Jokes on Him
by Enx2103
Summary: Derek comes to a rude awakening to find that his wife is leaving him because...R&R Humor!
1. Rude awakening

**Jokes on him**  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Life with Derek  
**AN:**Just something i came up with.

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He groaned the fifth time his phone wrung that morning. It really couldn't wait till noon huh? He sighed, finally answering the call. He knew who it was. The only person who dared to call him this early. His manager Jessica.

"Well good morning sunshine," he spoke with sarcasm and a bit of his classic charm. Sometimes all he had to do was sweet talk Jessie and he'd be home free. Other times however…he was in big trouble.

"Derek -Fucking- Venturi," she spoke sternly. Oh boy. She was beyond pissed. He quickly searched his mind for all the possibilities.

"I was home all last night Jess, I swear!" he lied easily to her.

"Derek, this isn't even about your little bar fight with Sam last night. This is much much worse than that. This is something I didn't think I'd ever have to deal with, Derek!"

He laughed a little. "What did I do this time Jess?" Sometimes he amazed himself.

"What did you do?" She laughed sarcastically. "I don't know Derek. Care to tell me why I found divorces papers on my desk when I walked in this morning?"

"Divorce papers? Jess you're not even married." He responded. "Cause uh…. You know no man could actually keep up with you, you're just that good!" he added quickly. He had to stay on her good side.

"Derek, your divorce papers. Casey's signatures already on them." She spoke. His heart shank for a second but he brushed it off and laughed.

"Sure Jess." He laughed patting bed next to him in hopes to fund her body laying beside him. But he thought wrong. His eyes snapped open and yes, his bed was empty.

"Ill call you back." He spoke, before hanging up.

"CASEY!" he yelled and got no response. _You've got to be kidding me,_ he thought to himself.

"Case?" he asked peeking his head out their room. No such luck.

He looked in every room of the house (and it was a pretty big house.) He was now sure that she wasn't there. He was tempted to call her but he decided against it. Jessie must have been joking.

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**AN:**It'll probably be a series of four very _very_ short chapters. **Review!**


	2. Pleasing Casey

**Jokes on him**  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Life with Derek

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"Jess," he said before she even got a chance to say hello "You're shitting me right? There's no divorces papers?"

"I'm serious Derek….Couldn't you have warned me things were getting... a bit rough?" she said softly knowing it was a sensitive subject.

"Jess… I didn't even know! I mean sure, she's been a bitch the last few days but I thought she was on her period of something!" he yelled running a hand through his hair pacing through his living room, clad in his orange boxers. It was way too early to be dealing with this, especially after getting home at 3 am last night .

"Der…. There's something else."

"Oh god. Now what?" He asked sitting on his recliner cause he was sure he wasn't going to be able to take what was coming next.

"The main reason she wants the divorce…" she started slowly.

"Yeah?" he prompted biting his lip nervously.

"Well at least…the ones that's stated on the document…"

"Just tell me." He said nervously. It was like a band aid that had just simply be ripped off.

"It says… you didn't….please her." She spoke uncomfortably.

" I DIDN'T WHAT?" He yelled standing. Could that even be possible? With his rep as a Casanova? No, impossible.

"Sexually." She stated clearly.

"That bull shit Jessie!" he yelled pulling at his brown locks. It was insane.

"I didn't say it Derek! She did. Jeez when was the last time you guys had sex?" she asked.

"Oh no. We are not going there Jess. You're my manager you don't need to know this stuff!"

"Oh as if I didn't practically run your life for you. I figured you could handle the sex on your own Derek!"

He ignored her last comment completely. "Like a month ago." He finally muttered.

"A month?" she yelled.

"Well…yeah. I been busy! Practices have been killing me. We've played so many games. By the time I get home she's asleep. Weekends I just wanna lay in bed. And I think she's been on her period. And its not just something…" he realized how bad it sounded."I been busy Jess!"

"Too busy to work sex into your schedule?

"Who have I become?" he asked covering his eyes with his free hand.

"A boring old hockey player who has no time for his wife." She said sadly.

He sighed. Shaking his head.

"So a month ago… Was she satisfied?"

"I don't know. See it was all about me." He responded, still feeling awkward telling Jessie that kind of personal stuff.

"Derek Venturi! Do I have to teach you how to please a woman?" she yelled.

"It was my birthday! It was all her idea. I just had to sit back!" He couldn't help but think back to that night…Man it was a _good _night.

"You disgust me Venturi!"

"Yeah yeah yeah." He responded. As if he hadn't heard that before. "So, my wife's leaving me?"

"Afraid so buddy." She replied.

"Alright. I guess I gotta talk to her…I'll call you back later Jess."

"Hopefully with good news!"she yelled before he hung up.

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**AN:**Updated again today because I got a lot of alerts, but not many reviews! Click the button and tell me what you think! _At least four reviews for the next update._


	3. AWOL

**Jokes on him**  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Life with Derek

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"Come home" He stated clearly. He was not messing around. He didn't care where she was or what she was doing. Hell, she could be saving the world for all he knew and he couldn't care less. If she didn't come and give him an explanation, he was going to find her and demand one. And he was in no mood to be nice.

Sure, he realized he should be the nice one in the situation, since apparently it was his fault after all. But this is Derek we're talking about. He felt that she owed him. She couldn't just get up and leave without putting up a fight. Or was she going weak on him now? After years of them being together. No. it wasn't going to happen that easy. If she was going to leave him she was going to look him straight in the eyes and tell him. Not just disappearing and leaving signed divorce papers. This wasn't going down without a fight. But by no means did it involved him begging her to stay. Of coursen not!

"No." she simply replied.

"Casey Venturi," he said as calmly as he could. He wasn't sure how long he would get to say that every again so he was milking it for all it was worth. "If you don't come home I will go out and find you. And I promise you Princess you are not that difficult to find. Right now you're probably at the mall looking at shoes. I am your husband and on the contrary to what you may say I know you. So you can make this easy for yourself and come home now because," he took a deep breath before saying those four priceless words "We need to talk."

"Listen," he heard her sigh. "I'll be home late. We'll talk then." She replied.

"Late? Fine you want it the hard way. I'll come find you then Casey." He declared. He was not giving in.

"Good luck with that Der. I'm not even in Canada." She replied harshly. His heart sunk for the second time that day.

"Where are you?" he asked suddenly softly. But it mostly had to do with the fact that he had no more energy in him.

"The States. Look Der…" she took a moment to regain her thoughts. "I'll be home tonight, ok? I promise. We'll talk about it later. I just can't right now. I needed to get away from Canada. I needed to be as far away from you as possible and clear my head. I need to figure out what I want right now. Pleas, understand?" She asked softly.

"Ok." He replied. Because what else could he possibly say?

"Bye Der." She whispered.

"Promise you'll be home tonight?"

"I promise." She replied. And someone he knew she would.

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**AN:** One more chapter! At least five **Reviews** for the next update!


	4. ACTUALLY Pleasing Casey

**Jokes on him**  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Life with Derek

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He got home at around 8:00 pm. He was hoping to find her there but of course she wasn't. He sighed shaking his head. Ordering Pizza for diner seemed like his only choice tonight.

After he spoke to her he realized he couldn't stay home all day. He'd drive himself crazy. So instead he played hockey. Game after game after game. He was especially aggressive today and the guys noticed. He ignored their comments and demanded to play another game. After a while they gave up and left him on his own. He had no choice but to skate around and work on his slap shot.

He finally forgot about her for a second or two. Eventually exhaustion got the best of him so he headed towards the locker room. But once he opened his locker and saw her smiling face he felt all his aggression build up again. Not even hockey could get his mind off Casey.

He fell asleep on his recliner watching hockey reruns after eating a whole pizza by himself.

"Der," she whispered trying to wake him. She really didn't like what she was seeing. A empty pizz box and a few beers littered the coffee table. They hadn't even gotten a divorce yet and he was already drinking?

"Hmmm," he finally woke up.

"Come on," she said heading up the stairs towards their bedroom. _Great_, he thought to himself. He didn't even think about the sleeping arrangements he'd have to deal with when she did finally arrive. Would they sleep together…no probably not. That would be kind of weird. Would he be sent to sleep on the couch. Yeah…probably so.

He quietly followed her into their bedroom and she said at her vanity as he took a seat at the end of the bed.

"So…obviously you know." She started.

"Yeah…You couldn't even tell me?" he asked genuinely hurt.

"Derek-"

"No Case. You'll get your chance. Let me fill you in on what I've gone through today. A wake up call from Jess telling me your divorcing me because I didn't please you. And I find out my wife fled the country. Whatever explanation you are about to give better cover what you made me go through today. Because divorcing me is one thing, but the way you handled all of this, now that's low Casey." He said harshly. Even though he tried to hid it she heard the hurt in his voice.

"Listen Derek….Your right."

"I am?" he asked cautiously. This seemed like a trick.

She nodded staring at him. She couldn't help but bite her lip, as a evil glint shimmered in her eyes.

He was confused and thrown off. What the hell was going on?

She took a few step towards him and stood in between his legs. She cupped his face in her hands, causing him to stare up at her. "April fools baby," she said softly, enjoying the look on his face when he realized it was all a joke.

"I'm gonna kill you Casey," he said oh so sweetly placing his hand on her hips.

"Is that your way of saying rough sex? I mean that could work. You've denied me for a month after all." She said smirking. And they fell back onto the bed.

"You really planned all of this for a month?" he asked pulling away from her kisses.

"Yup. Me and Jessie decided we had to get you back somehow for all the jokes you've played on us in the past." She replied kissing his neck. She missed him .She had to restrain from touching in for so long.

"No." he said flipping them over.

She looked at him confused. "I need to please my wife tonight." He said before stripping her down. She couldn't help but giggle.

"But if I were you, i'd sleep with one eye open ." he threatened as he lips danced all over her exposed flesh, but she had stopped listening a while ago.

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**AN:Reivew?**


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